If you type the word 'guilt' into the book department search at Amazon.com, you get 3,529 Results. This makes me feel a little less alone, here. On the first search results page, one book is a thriller by John Lescroart. The rest are self-help books. I'm willing to bet that none of them say "start a blog."
Let's check. The first one is focused on the horrors and lasting effects of being reared in a 'shame-based environment'. There is a list of 21 ways that adults who were shamed as children are different from normal adults. There is also a list of 12 characteristics of shame-based adults in relationships, all starting with the word 'We."
Unlike the book Quirk: Brain Science Makes Sense of Your Peculiar Personality, by Hannah Holmes, I doubt that this book will refer to mouse studies. Quirk acknowledges that a person can have a personality that interprets the world in a fearful way. Which is not to say that shaming children is a good thing, only that some people take on too much guilt no matter what you do.
The About the Author blurb (of the first book) says that she speaks internationally and has appeared on radio and television. This does not lend confidence, especially when those lists are such a grab bag of random, generalized badness. "We know it will be different but expect it to be the same" could apply to just about anyone.
I have spoken in more than three California cities and have been on television (admittedly, one appearance was teaching scarf juggling and another was learning to play Mah Jongg, but hey, both of them were fun). If you're feeling guilty, you could do worse than reading this blog. For one thing, you won't have to feel guilty about the cost, because it's free.
And, see, the second book blurbs its author as a licensed professional counselor, therapist, registered nurse, and hospital chaplain. That beats being an inspirational speaker as a claim of authority. The second author's list only has five things, and they're steps to letting go of the feeling that you're responsible for everything. No, I lied, there's also another list of eight situations where a person and the people around them expect more out of the person than they should.
In the intro is the statement "toxic guilt twists the truth and blinds us to the reality of the situation." Since the first step on the list of five steps is: Speak the Truth, I suspect that the list of eight situations is meant to give the reader hints on what the Truth is. We all get to work on what we're responsible for and what we can allow to be Somebody Else's Problem. (Yes, that's a Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy quote.)
Sadly, reading this blog will not help you learn the Truth of your situation. You will only get to see me struggle with the Truth of my situation and also with my wish to reach conclusions as to the Truth of my Grandmother's and Father's situations. Of course, they're both dead, so whatever conclusions I reach can not be confirmed. Not that they could have been confirmed when they were alive. Those two never agreed about anything. So any conclusion that one would have agreed with would have been excoriated by the other.
Perhaps I'd be better off learning to let conclusions go. Or I could look at the third book. Which do you think is more likely? Ah, we have reached New Age. "Love is where there is no fear. Fear is where there is no love." The sales pitch has trancended the need for About the Author and the forward is by John Denver. This book would approve of letting go. No, it transcends letting go and reaches the height of forgiving all.
I do not forgive all, here. I record and archive in order to recycle, trash, and tote to Goodwill (remembering to get a receipt - I itemize). Oh, and I mailed another Christmas card yesterday. I need to get two more addresses, mail out three more cards, and then I'm through for the year. Besides the gifts.
Book four is on emotional blackmail, which Dad would see as HIS book. Grandma would see it as him being mean to her when she's had so much pain in her life already and worked so hard to give him what he needed.
Book five lists 31 words to help you live free of guilt. It looks like the author brought together 31 words and wrote an essay on each one in relation to guilt. Sort of like a blog. (Do I seem to be going on about blogs?) The book is divided into three sections: Self-Care, Balance, and Joy. The first three words are: Honesty, Forgiveness, and Generosity. This book has also transcended About the Author.
If you've ever wanted to attend an academic seminar on What is Guilt? from the perspectives of many different disciplines, but felt guilty about spending that much and taking that much time away from your responsibilities, then book number six is for you. Although, even if you purchase it used, it's more than eighteen dollars, which may be more than you ought to pay for something that's just indulging yourself anyway. If you do buy it, remember to read it in the bathroom so that you won't waste time. Just don't stay in there too long. There are other people living in this house, you know.
The Hindsfoot Foundation Series on Treatment and Recovery brings you number seven, which probably shouldn't fill me with the foreboding that it does. I mean, it's not like it's the Clovenfoot Foundation. A PhD described as "a true contemplative rooted in the realities of life" and given access to AA's files isn't scary, right?
It seems like a treatise on the need for an alchoholic to properly confront his or her shame to make a full recovery, which I do not need (although Grandpa did die of alchoholism induced kidney failure). I doubt that I'll need the chapter on Complementarity and the Mutualities that
Heal, in order to clear my desk. Although maybe it's trying to tell me to phone a friend and complain about my cluttered desk and the Grandmother that has exploded all over and under it, cadging for support in the form of There, There compliments* claiming that I'm performing a valuable family service even if no one in the family under the age of 50 seems even slightly interested, while those over 50 say Hey, it's great that you're doing that. Or maybe I could blog about it instead.
In the eighth book, a Rabbi uses the bible to answer the question: How good do we have to be? I'm glad that God loves me anyway, but that won't get my desk cleared. And after the desk, I have closets. I've decided that I need to stencil the word FUTILITY on my bedroom closet door. Everyone needs a futility closet.
The author of book nine left the ministry to be a full time councelor. The book is about confronting your guilty past. I think that's what I'm doing here. My Dad's constant complaints about his childhood alway kind of embarassed me. When, in the fullness of time, I had reason to talk to a councelor or two, I remembered more about his childhood than I did about mine. And his felt more important. I was ungraciously screwing up EVEN THOUGH I HADN'T HAD HIS HORRIBLE CHILDHOOD. So reading Grandma's letters is poking a sore spot, but if I'm lucky there may be a bit of wound-lancing to be had. We'll see.
The next author has a PhD and a theory of mind/body connection. Oh, dear. The first chapter is called The Bodymind and Soul: A Psychospiritual Perspective on Guilt. I'm sure it's filled with scienciness. I'm also sure that there is nothing in it that will help get these letters logged and tossed. Or scanned. Or whatever I decide to do with them. Digesting Grandma will be a long, slow, painful process, I'm sure. It will get in the way of other things. And you'll hear me complain about it here, in this blog.
Do you think there's any monetizing potential in guilt? Oh, I think 3,529 Results say yes. Do I think that I could say the wrong thing and get half my family angry with me. Probably not. But if it happens, you'll read about it here.
*Yes, I know the difference between complement and compliment.
